TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely out of location. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But yes, guaranteed, let's have An additional position the place American Adult males can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: provide Every person a collection around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It can be that he need to stop using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the challenge, replied, "You understand, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred Trump Tower Damascus into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head obvious from House, a element staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following discovering the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not only unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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